My nomination for official state anti-perspirant

If you're new to town or just don't understand what goes into proper grooming when you live in a hot climate, let me steer you in the right direction. Trust me when I say that coworkers, friends, family or anyone who shares your immediate vicinity will thank you for wearing this anti-perspirant. Go to Target and buy Certain Dri today because the temperature right now is 104 degrees and humid. Wearing Certain Dri eliminates those wet underarm circles that are a side effect of living in the Valley in June, July and August. It's strong stuff with 72-hour protection. I'll tell you right now to not put it on every day or you will itch like an heir after sleeping with Paris Hilton. If everyone wore this stuff, our city would never have a problem with smelly, wet people running around in public. This is why it's my official nomination for Arizona State Anti-Perspirant. You know, if there were such an honor.